"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?"

"It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix."

"Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."

"If money is the root of all evil, then why do we have to have jobs?"

"Real education should educate us out of self into something far finer; into a selflessness which links us with all humanity."

"In all things there are three choices: Yes, No & no choice, except in this -- I either choose the truth or I am deceit."

"If you take a dog which is starving and feed him and make him prosperous, that dog will not bite you. This is the primary difference between a dog and a man."

"Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven."

"A still, small voice."

"No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave."